Anger and outrage need not
be a big part of your game

By Dr. Paula King 
Special to The Arizona Republic 
Dec. 2, 1999

I live on a golf course, and one day I heard the clank of a golf ball ricocheting off my house. I looked out just in time to see it roll off the roof and drop - kerplunk - into the deep end of the swimming pool. 

Getting balls out of the pool is a regular occurrence and requires only the skimmer for a fishing expedition for the ball. As I started into the other room to get my shoes, I noticed the owner of the drowned ball drive up to the fence that separates our yard from the course. 

I watched as he looked around the yard, then noticed his ball in the pool. Before I could get the door open, he hefted his golf club, held it horizontally in both hands, and brought it down over his knee, breaking the shaft cleanly in half. 

I thought about giving him my business card but decided it wasn't safe at that moment to suggest mental-skills coaching to this angry, red-faced man who held the two club halves in his fists. 

What is it about the sport that delights golfers so, even as it drives some to distraction, obsession and often anger? 

Recently a client (we'll call him George) asked me this question: "How can I keep from getting so angry on the golf course? It is hurting my friendships, and I know it gets in the way during tournaments." 

George didn't break clubs, he just threw them around -- like in a lake. 

Some of our discussion: 

"George, what do you suppose causes your anger on the golf course?" I asked. 

"It just happens," he said. "I'm going along and everything seems OK, then I take a stupid shot, or miss a shot, and my blood just starts boiling! This is such a stupid game. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to get it right! Golf makes me so mad!" 

Golf makes him mad? 

I challenged that notion, suggesting golf, the game itself, is always perfect, just sitting there waiting for anyone to walk out onto a green and create an experience. 

So where does anger come from? 

Anger is a naturally occurring emotion, a feeling that arises when your are hurt or afraid and unwilling (or unable) to express either of those feelings in a direct way. Anger, then, is a "second" feeling. 

Let's look at this more closely. 

You have a reason for playing golf, a desire for a certain experience you want to have on the golf course. Your intention may be different for each round of golf. 

One time it's "hit and giggle" golf, played for the social fun of it, to be outdoors and just enjoying the scenery and your playing partners. 

Another time it's about competition, either with yourself or against others. Your intention is to "win," however you define winning. Or, you might be playing "business" golf, networking with colleagues or entertaining a valued customer. 

When you play golf, under any circumstances, you have a preferred experience that you want to occur. The less the actual experience fits the desired experience, the greater the opportunity for hurt and fear to show up -- and subsequently for anger to be present. 

Notice that I said "the opportunity for anger" shows up. It is not automatic that when a situation doesn't fit our desire that we become hurt, fearful or angry. Those feelings are the result of the interpretation we have made about a given situation. 

"People are disturbed not by events but by their interpretations of these events." -- Epictetus. 

When you snap-hook a ball, dump one in the water, hit it out of bounds, miss that 3-foot putt, take a 10 on a par-4 hole, or anything else which isn't part of your desired experience, you get to choose what you think about that situation. You'll see what you believe. 

What you think, what you believe happened, is what causes the feelings. These feelings then cause you to behave in a certain way. 

Beliefs that often cause golfers feelings of hurt, fear and, secondarily, anger, are like the following: 

I really have to impress this guy/gal. 

I've practiced hard and that old snap-hook shouldn't show up today. 

I have to win this tournament or people (family, friends) will think less of me. 

I have to get a good shot off the tee or I will be embarrassed. 

My customer loves golf, and if I don't play well he may take his business elsewhere. 

I've mastered this game. 

That (whatever it was) shouldn't have happened. 

I've put so much time and money into this game that I have to be really good at it. 

These beliefs have in common a stated or implied should, have-to, ought-to, or need-to. When your beliefs are based on these attitudes instead of simply wanting-to, you open the door to fear, hurt and anger. The first list, as compared to "wants," creates a situation in which you judge yourself as good, bad, right or wrong. 

Instead, I encourage you to simply keep in mind what you want, rather than how you think it "should" be, and to look for solutions, or ways to think and behave that will move you toward your goal rather than away from it. 

If you do, then you, your golf clubs, playing partners and those of us who live on golf courses will have a better round of golf. 

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Dr. Paula King, Golf's "Head" Coach®, is a licensed sports psychologist in private practice in Phoenix. Specializing in work with golfers her clients include tour pros, juniors and amateurs. Comments or Questions?