MARS AND VENUS ON THE GOLF COURSE

Just look; don't point and stare, okay? Isn't that Adam and Eve, and Mars and Venus, in the foursome in front of you? You bet it is. And loaded on their cart, along with their golf gear, is the age old struggle to understand and accept the differences between men and women.

In fact, the topic of gender difference is so hot in the golf world that Mars and Venus on the Golf Course, could well be the title for author John Gray's next bestseller.

Make's sense doesn't it? Golf is the only game on earth that mimics life so perfectly, and as the golf world is more inclusive of diversity, the game of golf becomes a perfect venue for the exploration, and struggle around the differences between men and women.

So cleverly and subtly does golf inform us that sometimes I feel the game was created, not by the Scots, but by some trickster little alien who, from the far reaches of space, wanted to have some fun with us all.

At every turn you hear: "Golf is like life." And it's true. Each round of golf provides a microcosm of life that is unparalleled in the opportunity to experience the contradictions and challenges which make life, and golf, so complex. No other sport forces you to look at yourself and your partners as closely as does the game of golf. All aspects of who you are go with you on the course, and there's time for every part to show up.

You certainly can't question that more and more people are showing up on the links these days, and though the National Golf Foundation may tell you that the typical golfer is still a white male, 39 years old, who plays 20 rounds of golf a year, you know the times they are a'changin.

Look at the numbers: of the 26 million golfers age 12 and over, currently in the U.S., 5.7 million are women. And the number is steadily increasing.
Women may be a minority, making up a mere 22% of the total number of
golfers, but they appear to be closing the gap, comprising 39% of all beginning golfers and representing the largest growing segment of new players in the industry. You can guess that the industry's recent interest in gender difference is tied directly to this huge influx into the game.

Golf is big business and it makes sense for the industry to have an investment in understanding what attracts men and women to the game and what keeps them there. But it's not just the "industry" who's interested and can benefit from Mars and Venus being on the course together, it's also you and I; each and every one of us who play the game has an opportunity to grow in our understanding and acceptance of one another.

John Gray validates many things you know intuitively when he asks, in his first bestseller, that you imagine, Men are from Mars...Women are from Venus. Actually that part is almost a no-brainer, everyone knows men and women are different, at times even alien to one another. What John Gray adds to the mix is understanding, understanding about the general differences you know are there, and reassurance that such differences are normal and to be expected.

Normal and expected. That's good news; men and women do not struggle with one another because they're bad, but because they do not understand! And you want to understand. Nothing on earth is more intriguing, and more daunting, than the task of men and women attempting to understand and relate to one another in a healthy manner. And whether you want it be so or not, golf is a game in which we men and women come together and our differences are seen in bold relief, creating a variety of ways in which gender issues can be discussed, joked about, lamented, praised, resolved and accepted.

While I'm sure you will recognize yourself and your friends in some of the following comments and descriptions, you will no doubt find yourself disagreeing with some of the "categories," noting, quite accurately, that any difference I discuss has exceptions. I am talking about "in-general" differences between men and women, knowing at the same time that we will always remain unique individuals.
I will not attempt to answer the question of "why" Mars and Venus are
different, it is too complex a question requiring far too complex an answer. Our biology, parenting influences, education, birth order, media influence, conditioning, societal norms and history, are but a few of the factors that impact on why we are as we are.

The fun part is that when men and women show up together on the golf course there are things you can learn about "how" you are different from one another, things that improve your understanding, change your expectations, reduce discrimination, help you make more healthy choices, and increase your enjoyment of each other and the game of golf.

For instance, did you know that women take more golf lessons than men? A recent study by the National Golf Foundation, shows that 35% of female golfers, as compared to 14% of the males, are currently taking lessons. When asked if they had ever taken a lesson? Yes, said 61% of women, while only 42% of the men answered in the affirmative.

Does that surprise you? I doubt it. You know most men will not ask for
directions, not anytime, not anywhere. Regardless of how lost you might
be, a woman is in great jeopardy if she suggests to a man that he could ask for help. Men, you tend to define yourself through your ability to achieve results on your own and you resist being told what to do because asking for help is perceived as a sign of weakness. You feel best about yourself when you figure things out on your own.

But when you do seek out a professional, you are more likely to listen to what is told to you. Why? Because when you finally do decide you need help with your game then you see it as a sign of wisdom to seek out a coach, and to listen to what is said. You usually want an instructor to provide a few clear, concise, pointers to "fix" your problems. But beware, if you're not pleased with what your instructor is doing, you probably will not say anything, at least not in a direct way. Because you tend to cope with stress and conflict by pulling away and becoming silent, you are more likely to just quietly drop off the instructors schedule.

Women, you tend to do "rapport" talking while the men do "report" talking. As a woman you are more concerned with building relationships while men want to exhibit their skill and mastery of the game. A man may view every round as a competition, and their ego may be at stake with each and every swing, but you are more concerned with feeling a sense of belonging and "goodness of fit." You are more likely to socialize before and after every golf shot, sometimes even during them; and this drives your male partners to distraction! Because their "social" talk is different from yours, usually consisting of sports scores, Dow indexes, or a running detailed report on their last few golf lessons, (report talking--remember?) they have little or no appreciation of the content of your discussions about every relationship known to you and your female buddy.

This is not meant to imply that men never care about relationships and that you are not interested in playing well or being successful in competition; it is meant to say that you have different priorities from one another and that these differences can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, or anger.

While it's true that as a woman, you will more readily seek coaching for your game, it's also true that you are more easily disillusioned and more likely to quit, both the lessons and the game. You tend to define yourself based on the quality of the relationships you are able to create and if you do not believe you have made a "good connection" to golf and/or your instructor you are likely to quit.

The National Golf Foundation reports that while two million women take up the game each year, more than half of you quit within six months. And when the International Network of Golf formed a panel to discuss player retention they concluded that you quit golf for two reasons: 1) You find the game too difficult, and 2) You feel unwelcome on the course.

The implication is that you lack the inherent physical capability to play the game, but I think you find the game too difficult primarily because you do not feel welcome or comfortable on the golf course. Since you place such a high value on belonging, if you do not feel comfortable on the course it is unlikely that you will return.

PGA Section President, and panelist, Tommy Albin, seems to agree when he says, "The course can be beautiful and the woman may play well, but if
an employee or another player is rude or judgmental of her, that is the
feeling she will carry away." Even more important than playing ability is the need to make women feel welcome on golf courses.

Another ING panel member, and golf course architect, Ron Garl described what he thought could be done with course design to make the game more friendly and less "judgmental," he said, "My courses have at least four sets of tees so that everyone will have a place where they feel comfortable. No one is required to play from a certain tee, but the golf shop will ask new players how far they hit and suggest a tee." He added, "Many men should be playing from the so-called 'ladies' tee but refuse to do so for ego reasons--so give each tee a non-judgmental name."

Changing the way golfers think about tee positions could benefit everyone's golf game. If we could reach a consensus and agree that playing from a certain tee is based on the length of your drive or your handicap, and not on gender, then more players would choose a tee box that correctly fits their level of play. Not only would your scores improve, but pace of play would quicken since each golfer would have an improved chance to hit greens in regulation.

This whole notion is easier for you Venusians than it is for you Martians. You guys are more likely to admire the 'grip it and rip it' mentality, and feel you have to play from the tips or suffer a blow to your masculinity.

Talk about a blow to the ego--did you read about the court case this fall in which a group of nine female golfers were awarded nearly two million dollars from Haverhill Golf and Country Club? A jury unanimously decided they were unfairly denied "primary memberships" that come with choice starting times and greater access to club amenities. "I think it's a case which puts country clubs and other institutions on notice that women have a right to the same opportunities as men," said, Massachusetts Assistant Attorney General, Anthony Rodriquez.

I would say it definitely puts some people on notice, and clubs that continue discriminatory practices are likely to find themselves on the defensive in a court of law and required to create equity practices.

Another "institution" is being put on notice as well. Men, you've had the corporate golf scene to yourself long enough and now your female
colleagues are signing up, and showing up, in greater numbers than ever. No longer are corporate golf outings, deal-making rounds, decisions-on-the-links, and opportunities to "relax" with the boss or a client, your sole province.

Women want to play, and professional and executive women are stepping up to the tee box in great numbers. Their participation has grown 26% since 1990, twice the rate of the nonworking woman. In fact, of the 6 million female golfers in America, more than half say they use the game as a business tool.

In 1991, to meet the needs of this ever expanding group, Nancy Oliver founded The Executive Women's Golf Association, so, in her words, "women could learn all things golf and take advantage of the business opportunities men have long enjoyed. In the old days it was country club wives, but today career women have to have a respectable golf game--it's part of the corporate inventory."

Says Joanne Williams, outgoing President of the Los Angeles chapter of
EWGA, "Women often don't think they're good enough to play in a business event. A guy doesn't care if he hasn't played for a year; he'll just go. A woman cares." EWGA steps in and helps you learn the rules and the proper etiquette, they partner with golf clubs and instructors to offer you group clinics and golf outings at reduced prices, and they provide a variety of networking opportunities; all in an effort to help you feel more confident on the course.

And Corporate America has noticed, and they are supportive. Xerox, General Motors, Gillette and Fidelity Investments are but a few of the corporations who are paying for women-only golf clinics for their female execs. Forbes magazine recently reported that Lehman Bros. spent $40,000 to send 48 women to a golf clinic because they didn't want their female executives missing a chance to close a sale.

Men, as you read about the court decision and women-only golf associations, you may find yourself turning up your nose or rolling your eyes, not because you don't want women to have equity on the golf course or in corporate golf outings, but because you are turned off by the females seeming "neediness," or special attention.

Naturally, the women reading about Haverhill Country Club and EWGA interpret the situations quite differently. Reading about these experiences they are more likely to view them as an offer of help, as a sign of genuine caring and encouragement, and as an opportunity for true, equal membership in what has historically been denied to them.

Venusians, make a distinction between "needing," which means openly reaching out and asking for support in a direct and trusting manner, and "neediness" which is a desperate act, based on the feeling that you are incapable and can't trust yourself to create what you need. And Martians, are usually not comfortable with any form of "needing" anything from someone else, and struggle with realizing they don't have to have all the answers.

It's interesting that when it comes to answering about following the rules of golf you will see a role reversal of sorts. In most any other situation you can count on a woman to put 'maintaining goodwill in a relationship'
ahead of any imposed "rule," but not on the golf course.

Studies have shown that even as children, girls forego the rules to keep the peace, and throughout their lives will make decisions based on what they value and what is important to them. Not so with the guys, who make their decisions most often based on law, on rules which are written down somewhere.

Remember back to those football games you played in the vacant lot next door and the times when fist fights would break out because one team accused the other of cheating. It was hard to finish the game because "following the rules" became more important than the game itself.

But, observe on the golf course, and you will see women, especially in league or team play, determined to play by the exact rules. Men too, will follow the rules, but in a much more laissez faire manner, less caught up in the need for exact interpretations.

A foursome of women will have long debates over a particular rule, and
with rule books drawn like swords, and positions taken as in a life and death matter, you will see them square off, prepared to do battle to the end for the right interpretation of the rule in question.

Being "right" about rules is one thing, but if Martians and Venusians can come to understand that differences are not inherently right or wrong, good or bad; but simply different from one another than, in John Gray's words, "This expanded understanding of our differences helps resolve much of the frustration in dealing with and trying to understand the opposite sex. Misunderstandings can then be quickly dissipated or avoided. Incorrect expectations are easily corrected. When you remember your (playing) partner is as different from you as someone from another planet, you can relax and cooperate with the difference instead of resisting or trying to change them."

While it may be true that, in terms of gender differences, it's easy for you to imagine that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, it is even more easy to recognize that you are a unique and unrepeatable human being. And isn't it lucky that golf is an individual sport. So, whether
you're from Mars, Venus, Pluto or Mercury you will find your greatest success comes from understanding who you are, and accepting that others are different, but okay.

Just imagine playing a round of golf with an alien that you are genuinely curious about and want to understand. They are very different from you and in that difference is found your delight and excitement at spending time with them and learning how they play the game. At the very least you will come to know someone who is unique, and at the very best you will come to know more about yourself, observing your openness and willingness to be influenced and to learn from this alien being; this man or this woman who is your golf partner, for just a day or for a lifetime.

Dr. Paula King, Golf's "Head" Coach®, is a licensed sports psychologist in private practice in Phoenix, Arizona. Specializing in work with golfers her clients include professional, amateur and junior players. Comments or Questions?