MARS AND VENUS ON THE
GOLF COURSE
Just look. Don’t point and
stare, okay? Isn’t that Adam and Eve,
and Mars and Venus, in the foursome in front of you? You bet it is. And loaded
on their cart, along with their golf gear, is the age-old struggle to
understand and accept the difference between men and women.
In fact, the topic of gender difference is so hot in the golf
world that Mars and Venus on the Golf
Course, may well be the title for author John Gray’s next
bestseller.
Make’s sense doesn’t it?
Golf is the only game on earth
that mimics life so perfectly, and as the golf world becomes more inclusive of
diversity the game of golf becomes a perfect venue for the exploration, and
struggle around the difference between men and women.
So cleverly and subtly does golf inform us about ourselves that
sometimes I feel the game was created, not by the Scots, but by some trickster
little alien from the far reaches of space who wanted to have some fun with us
all.
At every turn you hear: “Golf is like life.” And it’s true. Each round of golf provides a microcosm of
life that is unparalleled in the opportunity it provides to experience the
contradictions and challenges that make life, and golf, so complex. No other sport forces you to look at
yourself and your partners as closely as does the game of golf. All aspects of who you are go with you on
the course, and there’s time for every part to show up.
There is no question that more and more people are showing up on
the links these days, and though the National Golf Foundation may tell you that
the typical golfer is still a white male, 39 years old, who plays 20 rounds of
golf a year, you know the times they are
a’changin.
Look at the numbers: of
the 26 million golfers age 12 and over, currently in the U.S., 5.7 million are
women. And the number is steadily
increasing.
Women may be a minority, making up a mere 22% of the total number
of
golfers, but they appear to be closing the gap, comprising 39% of
all beginning golfers and representing the largest growing segment of new
players in the industry. You can guess
that the industry’s recent interest in gender difference is tied directly to
this huge influx of women into the game.
Golf is big business and it makes sense for the industry to have
an investment in understanding what attracts men and women to the game and what
keeps them there. But it’s not just the
“industry” that is interested and can benefit from Mars and Venus being on the
course together, it’s also you and I; each and every one of us who play the
game has an opportunity to grow in our understanding and acceptance of one
another.
John Gray validates many things you intuitively know when he asks
in his first bestseller that you imagine, Men
are from Mars...Women are from Venus.
Actually that part is almost a no-brainer because everyone knows men and
women are different, at times even alien to one another. What John Gray adds to the mix is understanding,
understanding about the general differences you know are there, and reassurance
that such differences are normal and to be expected.
Normal and expected. That’s good news: men and women do not
struggle with one another because they’re bad, but because they do not
understand! And you want to understand. Nothing on earth is more intriguing, and more daunting than the
task of men and women attempting to understand and relate to one another in a
healthy manner. And whether you want it
be so or not, golf is a game in which we men and women come together and our
differences are seen in bold relief, creating a variety of ways in which gender
issues can be discussed, joked about, lamented, praised, resolved and accepted.
While I’m sure you will recognize yourself and your friends in
some of the following comments and descriptions, you will no doubt find
yourself disagreeing with some of the “categories,” noting, quite accurately,
that any difference I discuss has exceptions.
I am talking about “in-general” differences between men and women,
knowing at the same time that we will always remain unique individuals.
I will not attempt to answer the question of “why” Mars and Venus
are
different, it is too complex a question requiring far too complex
an answer. Our biology, parenting
influences, education, birth order, media influence, conditioning, societal
norms and history, are but a few of the factors that impact on why we are as we are.
The fun part is that when men and women show up together on the
golf course there are things you can learn about “how” you are different from
one another, things that improve your understanding, change your expectations,
reduce discrimination, help you make more healthy choices, and increase your
enjoyment of each other and the game of golf.
For instance, did you know that women take more golf lessons than
men? A recent study by the National Golf Foundation, shows that 35% of female
golfers, as compared to 14% of the males, are currently taking lessons. When asked if they had ever taken a
lesson? Yes, said 61% of women, while
only 42% of the men answered in the affirmative.
Does that surprise you? I
doubt it. You know most men will not
ask for
directions, not anytime, not anywhere. Regardless of how lost, a woman is in great jeopardy if she
suggests to a man that he could ask for help.
Men tend to define the ability to achieve results on their own as a sign
of strength, and being told what to do is perceived as a sign of weakness. Men feel best when they figure things out on
their own.
But when men do seek out a professional they are more likely to
listen to what is told to them. Why?
Because when they finally decide they need help with their game then
they see it as a sign of wisdom to seek out a coach, and to listen to what is
said. Typically men want an instructor
to provide a few clear, concise, pointers to “fix” the problems. But beware: if they are not pleased with
what the instructor is doing they probably will not say anything, at least not
in a direct way. Men tend to cope with
stress and conflict by pulling away and becoming silent, and are likely to just
quietly drop off the instructor’s schedule.
Women tend to do “rapport” talking while men do “report”
talking. Women are more concerned with
building relationships while men want to exhibit their skill and mastery of the
game. –A man may view every round as a competition, with their ego at
stake each and every swing of the club, but women are more concerned with
feeling a sense of belonging and “goodness of fit.” Women are more likely to socialize before and after every golf
shot, sometimes even during them. This
drives their male partners to distraction!
Men’s social” talk is different from the gals: usually consisting of
sports scores, Dow indexes, or a running detailed report on their last few golf
lessons, (report talking--remember?).
Men have little or no appreciation of women’s discussions about every
relationship known to the woman and her female buddy.
This is not meant to imply that men never care about relationships
and that women are not interested in playing well or being successful in
competition; it is meant to say that they have different priorities from one
another and that these differences can lead to misunderstandings, hurt
feelings, or anger.
While it’s true that women will more readily seek coaching for
their game, it’s also true they are more easily disillusioned, and more likely
to quit both the lessons and the game.
If a woman does not believe she has made a “good connection” to golf and
her instructor she is likely to quit.
The National Golf Foundation reports that while two million women
take up the game each year, more than half quit within six months. And when the International Network of Golf formed a panel to discuss player
retention they concluded that women quit golf for two reasons: 1) Women find
the game too difficult, and 2) Women feel unwelcome on the course.
The implication is that women lack the inherent physical
capability to play the game, but I think they find the game too difficult
primarily because they do not feel welcome or comfortable on the golf
course. Since women place such a high
value on belonging, if they do not feel comfortable on the course it is
unlikely they will return.
PGA Section President, and panelist, Tommy Albin, agrees, saying:
“The course can be beautiful and the woman may play well, but if an employee or
another player is rude or judgmental of her, that is the feeling she will carry
away. Even more important than playing
ability is the need to make women feel welcome on golf courses.”
Another ING panel member, and golf course architect, Ron Garl
described what he thought could be done with course design to make the game
more friendly and less judgmental: “My
courses have at least four sets of tees so that everyone will have a place
where they feel comfortable. No one is
required to play from a certain tee, but the golf shop will ask new players how
far they hit and suggest a tee.” He added, “Many men should be playing from the
so-called ‘ladies’ tee but refuse to do so for ego reasons--so give each tee a
non-judgmental name.”
Changing the way golfers think about tee positions would benefit
everyone’s golf game. If we reached an
agreement that playing from a certain tee is based on the length of your drive
or your handicap, and not on gender, then more players would choose a tee box
that correctly fits their level of play.
Not only would scores improve, but pace of play would improve because
golfers would hit more greens in regulation.
This whole notion is easier for Venusians than it is for Martians.
Guys are more likely to admire the ‘grip it and rip it’ mentality, and feel
they have to play from the tips or suffer a blow to their masculinity.
Talk about a blow to the ego--did you read about the court case in
which a group of nine female golfers were awarded nearly two million dollars
from Haverhill Golf and Country Club? A
jury unanimously decided they were unfairly denied “primary memberships” that
come with choice starting times and greater access to club amenities. “I think it’s a case which puts country
clubs and other institutions on notice that women have a right to the same
opportunities as men,” said, Massachusetts Assistant Attorney General, Anthony
Rodriquez.
I would say it definitely puts some people on notice, and clubs
that continue discriminatory practices are likely to find themselves on the
defensive in a court of law and required to create equity practices.
Another “institution” is being put on notice as well. Men have had the corporate golf scene to
themselves long enough, and their female colleagues are signing up, and showing
up, in greater numbers than ever. No
longer are corporate golf outings, deal-making rounds, decisions-on-the-links,
and opportunities to “relax” with the boss or a client the sole province of the
men.
Women want to play, and professional and executive women are
stepping up to the tee box in great numbers.
Their participation has grown 26% since 1990, twice the rate of the
nonworking woman. In fact, of the 6
million female golfers in America, more than half say they use the game as a
business tool.
In 1991, to meet the needs of this ever expanding group, Nancy
Oliver founded The Executive Women’s Golf Association, so, in her words, “women
could learn all things golf and take advantage of the business opportunities
men have long enjoyed. In the old days
it was country club wives, but today career women have to have a respectable
golf game--it’s part of the corporate inventory.”
Says Joanne Williams, outgoing President of the Los Angeles
chapter of EWGA, “Women often don’t think they’re good enough to play in a
business event. A guy doesn’t care if
he hasn’t played for a year; he’ll just go.
A woman cares.” EWGA steps in
and helps you learn the rules and the proper etiquette, they partner with golf
clubs and instructors to offer you group clinics and golf outings at reduced
prices, and they provide a variety of networking opportunities; all in an
effort to help you feel more confident on the course.
And Corporate America has noticed, and they are supportive. Xerox, General Motors, Gillette and Fidelity
Investments are but a few of the corporations who are paying for women-only
golf clinics for their female execs.
Forbes magazine recently reported that Lehman Bros. spent $40,000 to
send 48 women to a golf clinic because they didn’t want their female executives
missing a chance to close a sale.
Men reading about the court decision and women-only golf
associations may find turn up their
nose or roll their eyes, not because they don’t want women to have equity on
the golf course or in corporate golf outings, but because they are turned off
by the females seeming “neediness,” or special attention.
Naturally, the women reading about Haverhill Country Club and EWGA
interpret the situations quite differently.
Reading about these experiences they are more likely to view them as an
offer of help, as a sign of genuine caring and encouragement, and as an
opportunity for true equal membership in what has historically been denied to
them.
Venusians, make a distinction between “needing,” which means
openly reaching out and asking for support in a direct and trusting manner, and
“neediness,” which is a desperate act based on a feeling of being incapable,
and unable to trust yourself to create what you need. And Martians, are usually not comfortable with any form of
“needing” anything from someone else,
and struggle with realizing they don’t have to have all the answers.
It’s interesting that when it comes to answering about following
the rules of golf you will see a role reversal of sorts. In most any other situation you can count on
a woman to put maintaining goodwill in a relationship ahead of any imposed
rule, but not on the golf course.
Studies have shown that even as children, girls forego the rules
to keep the peace, and throughout their lives make decisions based on what they
value and what is important to them.
Not so with the guys, who make their decisions most often based on law,
on rules which are written down somewhere.
Remember back to those football games you played in the vacant lot
next door and the times when fist fights would break out because one team
accused the other of cheating. It was
hard to finish the game because “following the rules” became more important
than the game itself.
But, observe on the golf course and you will see women, especially
in league or team play, determined to play by the exact rules. Men too, will
follow the rules, but in a much more laissez faire manner, less caught up in
the need for exact interpretations.
A foursome of women will have long debates over a particular rule:
with rule books drawn like swords, and positions taken as in a life and death matter,
you will see them square off, prepared to do battle to the end for the right
interpretation of the rule in question.
Being “right” about rules is one thing, but if Martians and
Venusians can come to understand that differences are not inherently right or
wrong, good or bad, but simply different from one another than, in John Gray’s
words, “This expanded understanding of our differences helps resolve much of
the frustration in dealing with and trying to understand the opposite sex. Misunderstandings can then be quickly
dissipated or avoided. Incorrect
expectations are easily corrected. When
you remember your [playing] partner is as different from you as someone from another
planet, you can relax and cooperate with the difference instead of resisting or
trying to change them.”
While it may be true that in terms of gender differences it’s easy
for you to imagine that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, it is even
more easy to recognize that you are a unique and unrepeatable human being. And isn’t it lucky that golf is an
individual sport. So, whether you’re
from Mars, Venus, Pluto or Mercury you will find your greatest success comes
from understanding who you are, and accepting that others are different, but
okay.
Just imagine playing a round of golf with an alien that you are
genuinely curious about and want to
understand. They are very different
from you and in that difference is found your delight and excitement at
spending time with them and learning how they play the game. At the very least you will come to know
someone who is unique, and at the very best you will come to know more about
yourself, observing your openness and willingness to be influenced and to learn
from this alien being, this man or this woman who is your golf partner, for
just a day or for a lifetime.
Dr. Paula King, Golf’s “Head” Coach®, is a licensed sports psychologist in private practice in Phoenix, Arizona. Specializing in work with golfers her clients include professional, amateur and junior players. Comments or Questions? She can be reached at (602) 862-0032, or by e-mail at